Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Congratulations, You've Won!

Unfortunately, what you've won is the Superbowl of Stupid; the StuporBowl if you will. This story, sent in by Gerry, has just got to be parody. Please?

Animal Advocate Proposes Bulletproof Vests for Deer
With the great East End deer cull looming closer every day, one local animal advocate has been working double time on a solution he believes will protect the ruminant mammals from sharpshooters’ bullets.

Since learning that the Long Island Farm Bureau and local officials plan to have thousands of area deer killed by federal sharpshooters, Manny Fabrele, a retired Marine Corps Scout Sniper and Montauk resident, said he’s labored tirelessly to develop and mass produce a bulletproof vest for the animals. “I’ve seen what happens at the other end of a rifle,” Fabrele said, “and I’m not about to sit by and let that happen to these innocent creatures.”

This *has* to be a joke. It does. He's talking about freakin' deer, which are barely one step up the food chain from cows, folks. They're bringing in sharpshooters to painlessly cull deer, and he's trying to thwart that? He'd rather the poor ungulates starve to death or were hit by cars? This is his version of humane? For an area to take the drastic step of inviting in professional shooters to reduce the deer population, the deer would have to be a significant danger to the community at large, either from vehicle accidents or disease.

Part of me hopes that this is, in fact, real. If so, I want one thing more than anything else in this world. Video. I want to see video of this sap trying to fit a bulletproof vest on a deer. How does he plan on accomplishing this goal? Is he going to tranquilize the deer first? Has he put any thought into the kind of trauma that knocking the animal out, putting a heavy vest on it that it can't remove, and then injecting it back into the wild? Will the vests be removed at some point in the future? I can't help but thing that adding all that extra weight and movement restriction is going to make these deer ripe for the harvesting from other predators.

Wouldn't that be a hoot? If he were to "save" the deer from the snipers only to see them fall in great numbers to coyotes, dogs, and other predators? Unintended consequences are a stone-cold bitch, and so is Mother Nature. I don't believe the deer are going to just stand there waiting to have a vest put on them, so I think he's going to have more of a struggle than he realizes. This means more stress on the animals he's trying to save, making them less likely to survive in the long run.

Why not just enjoy some tasty venison jerky and STFU?

That is all.


threecollie said...

We have replaced sense with sentiment.

New Jovian Thunderbolt said...

Maybe they could relocate some of those wolves from Idaho to Long Island to check the deer. I'm sure the ranchers out west wouldnn't mind that.

Anonymous said...

Naw, he's just going to approach them crooning some hippie song and put them on the quiet deer.

As he tries, I'm sure I see extensive dental work in his future. Deer tend to go up on the hind legs and kick the crap out of people who get too close.

Joseph from IL

Dave H said...

Poor guy must have been traumatized as a child by watching Bambi. Somebody should help him.

Anonymous said...

Wolves or mountain lions. May make it a bit riskier waiting for a school bus a walk on the beach but hey what the heck.

And why no Kevlar brain buckets while he's at it?


Anonymous said...

Deer would be better off if we just put orange reflective vests on them. It is what the hunter wear, so you KNOW it's safe. Plus it will make it easier for driver to see them.

Ted said...

I don't think this guy has really thought this through. Thoose deer are going to need helmits and eye protection as well if they are going to safe when running thru the woods. ...... And boots for the snow. And some way to keep them from slipping on the ice. And life vests if they live near a pond. .... And they should be equipped with GPS enabled Panic Buttons so they can call for help if some evil predictor tries to harm them

David said...

My last deer I took in the neck. How's he going to prevent that?

Farmgirl said...

Almost all of the animal activism today concerning "wild" animals has no basis in reality. Equine business members have lobbied since the slaughter ban for a repeal of that ban, because all it did was create a situation where horses were starving to death, dying of thirst, being abandoned and hit by cars. They got it done too, but congress is a bunch of weasely pricks and back-door reinstated the ban in another bill by refusing funding to inspectors.

Here in Colorado the animal activists pushed through a ban on hunting bear over bait a few years ago. Now the bear population has exploded with far less ability to manage it through hunting and they're killing bears by the hundreds as they wander into cities and towns in search of food.

We've eliminated or reduced the number of large predators in the wild to such an extent that in a lot of cases we have to make up the difference to maintain a healthy population. Otherwise, more animals will die from starvation and disease than would from ethical hunting.

skidmark said...

Just how do you figure deer are a step above cows on any scale? The amount of meat per amount of feed is lower for the deer. They will not stay in pastures and come for food when called. They will not walk right in to a slaughtering chute. And worst of all, they eat my 'mater plants!

The day they start selling deer in plastic-wrapped foam trays in the grocery store I'll agree with you they are a step above cows.

stay safe.

Joe Allen said...

There's an even simpler solution. If the problem is deer/vehicle interactions, this hard charging Devil Dog and his fellow hippies could simply volunteer to move the deer crossing signs to safer locations.

Or maybe these hippies could just cinch up their hemp undies and help harvest all this superfluous protein to help feed the NYC homeless.

Nah, why solve two problems when you can create three more.

Stretch said...

"a retired Marine Corps Scout Sniper?"
Not gonna believe that until I see his DD 214.
And if he is I pray this is a big scam he's running on the Long Island wussies.

BenC said...

As a Sniper he should know that any vest with enough protection to stop a high power rifle bullet would be to heavy for the deer to move. You could just walk up and cut their throat.Either he has his sarcasm font on or someone should contact stolen valor.

Geodkyt said...

Let's say he DOES manage to manufacture these vests at a cost he can afford to throw away (because deer are notorious for stiffing you with the bill, you know!), and his LEET N1nj4 Scout-Sniper skillz (yeah, I want to see his 214 as well) allow him to sneak up and slip the vest (including buckling the adjustable straps, because "one size fits nobody" isn't a winning plan for attacking ANYTHING to an animal), AND the deer don't friggin' die of shock after this weird bipedal primate predator rassles it to the ground and attaches some weird amoeba like object the deer cannot get off. . .

What's gonna happen after that deer has been in that vest, hiding parasites and rubbing its hide raw, for a few weeks? Starving deer, stumblimg around in the final stages of septic shock, that's what. . .

"Animal Advocate" my ass -- this guy really hates deer.

Dave H said...

Found this on the "About Us" page of the web site hosting the story:

With commentary that is timely, whimsical, satirical and real, each week Dan’s Papers features a mix of wit and wisdom you won’t find anywhere else.

I think we've been had.