Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Afternoon Larfs...

This link is NSFW. Not because of language, or naughty pictures, or politically incorrect language, but because you will laugh so hard your co-workers will start to question your sanity. Even moreso than usual.

Horrifying Panty Burps Vol. 5
Everybody farts. And that’s okay.

In fact, It’s more than okay. Farts often can be some of the funniest things ever. At least in retrospect. But when they happen unexpectedly, sometimes they’re the most mortifying things ever.

Here are your stories. And I call this series horrifying panty burps because one of you in your comments called farts panty burps. Which I thought was way too funny.
Just go read. Don't drink anything - seriously - unless you want to be cleaning it off your monitor and keyboard.

And, just because that's how I roll, here's my most embarassing fart story:

So, I'm in my Confirmation class at CCD (a.k.a. Sunday School for the non RC out there). It's Monday night, which is quite possibly the worst time to have additional classes. Hey, let's have the kids make it through a school day, then rush home to do their homework, scarf down dinner, *then* spend another hour and a half in class! Anyways, this was in the weeks leading up to Confirmation, and we were doing a practice run in the church. Picture this scene: 15 or so 14 & 15 year old boys and girls, one catechist (Sunday School teacher), and the priest. In a church at 7PM on a Monday night. Naturally, we had beans for dinner that night, because apparently Mom G. has an evil sense of humor.

After an hour or so of dinner percolating, I am just praying for class to end. I mean, I'm dying. I know what's coming, and I am holding on for dear life. And then, the priest decides we need to pray to end the class (honest, Father, I've been praying like heck the past 45 minutes...). Make it through the praying, and as I'm setting myself back down on the all-wooden pew, the holy mother of all air biscuits floats to the surface with a noise than can only be described as thunderous. The priest thought that G-d was talking to us in His outside voice.

Twenty years later, I still had people recounting that story...

That is all.


chiefjaybob said...

It was G-d answering the prayers. Who stuck around after you ripped that one?

CCD on a Monday? Everyone around here did it on Wednesdays. And aside from Confirmation, I remember NOTHING of catechism. I had to look up everything I now know as an adult. All those wasted Wednesday nights.

Anonymous said...

What is balm?

I still remember that question.


Skul said...

I dropped one the car once that was so bad I had to pull over and get out.

It was a convertible, and the top was down.

Not kidding.

Dave H said...

A very private one, but I can tell the tale now that the statue of limitations has expired.

All three of our children were born by C-section, and my wife had epidural anaesthesia for all three. Right after the third one they had her in the recovery room while her lower body and legs thawed out. She was still pretty numb but tremendously happy because we finally had the son she'd wanted. As I sat next to the bed talking to her there came a "puh...puh..puh..puh.pupupuptt...." sound. She got a quizzical look on her face and said, "What was that noise?"

I tried, I really tried to keep a straight face but I couldn't do it. "That was you, honey. You're passing gas." It's a good thing she was still unable to get up, or else I'd have needed surgery to remove her foot from my tailpipe for laughing at her.

Old NFO said...

TRULY bad is when you pull your O2 mask off and almost puke before you can slap it back on after a DACM engagement, and wonder if you're going to have to clean out the flight suit when you get back...

Flier389 said...

Well, wait till you rip one off during a wedding. And it is so loud. it can be heard up to the front row. I was setting in the very back. Everyone turned around, and looked behind them. I, also looked behind me. And no one there to blame. Snickers, and laughs followed. I've never been back to that church.

We use to call them Butt burps.

Rifleman762 said...

After returning home from buying groceries, my girlfriend was in the kitchen putting the purchases in the fridge and pantry. I was in the adjacent dining room doing some work on the computer, and felt a massive urge to release a most foul cloud from the depths of my insides. Went to the living room to read and forgot about it.

About twenty minutes later, the GF comes in and says, "I think a mouse or something died in the dining room. It smells funny in there, like death or something." I somehow managed to keep a straight face, although I was dying from laughter inside. I was pleased to get away with it.

About SIX HOURS LATER, I was sitting in the dining room again on the computer watching a movie. She had gone to bed, but came out of the bedroom to get some water and remarked, "It still smells like something died in here. Can you look around for a mouse?"

At that point I was laughing so hard I just had to tell her the truth.

DocRambo said...

Do you one better: age 13, High Mass on Christmas with church jam packed, had bad case of flatulence, and kept holding my breath and pinching my cheeks, until I finally fainted dead away, and let the granddaddy of all butt burps as I slid under the pew I had been kneeling in front of. Took six ushers and helpers to extract me, and I awoke on steps of church with smelling salts under my nose. Church let out and everyone who walked past pointed and laughed--took me a week to get over it, and on the way home, the family laughed so hard, they had to stop the car twice so the driver could get control of himself.