Monday, March 4, 2013

Blame OldNFO...

He's the one that sent me these groaners... A few puns for Monday. Peter should approve.

1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.

Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.

Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss League records were destroyed in a fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted,

"Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded,

"Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

4. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

5. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

6. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

7. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas.

All together now: GROOOOAAAAN...

That is all


Dave H said...

Who ever came up with #6 should be tried for crimes against geometry.

Old NFO said...

LOL, "I" just sent it to you; YOU are the one that forwarded it... :-P

Anonymous said...

There was a court jester who had a compulsion to tell horrible puns. The king hated them and kept warning the jester to stop. The jester didn't. The king sentenced him to hang had him thrown in the dungeon to await his execution.

On the appointed day, the guards led the weeping jester to the gallows. After the hangman fitted the rope around the jester's neck, the king stood up and ordered a halt to the proceedings. The king told the jester that if the jester swore to never tell another pun, the king would not have the jester hung.

The jester promised. As they removed the rope, the jester said: "Well, no noose is good noose."

So they beheaded him.

Eck! said...

Baa, dump bump



Anonymous said...

A frog needed to borrow money for a new pad so he went to the local bank. The loan officer, Miss Patty Wack, asked what the frog could offer as collateral. The frog offered a small statue of a bird. Miss Wack said, "I'll have to get approval from the bank manager". So the bank manager comes in and takes a look at the statue and says, "It's a nick-nack, Patty Wack, give the frog a loan". P-/

Christina LMT said...

Head desk and face palm. Simultaneously.

ASM826 said...

You tell puns, you own them. I'm not letting you foist this off on OldNFO...Hey have you heard the one about Mill Famey?

Lazy Bike Commuter said...

Anonymous: Improved version!

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack.

So, he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says "$30,000." The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain pig, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink pig.
"I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says,
"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack.
Give the frog a loan.
His old man's a Rolling Stone."

misbeHaven said...

A mature pun is fully groan!

Ygolonac said...

It's like they say, time flies like the wind.

Fruit flies like bananas.

Chris said...

The shortest distance between any two puns is a straight line.

An elderly Chinese gentleman named Chan was a dealer in finely-carved wooden art. He had boxes, figurines, screens, and so on in a variety of fine woods: ebony, mahogany, teak, ironwood, etc.

His was a fine life until his shop began to be burglarized on a nightly basis. The door, which was strong and dead-bolted, would be broken open, and several expensive pieces would be missing, but always they were made from teak. And the only evidence was the footprints of what seemed to be a small boy.

After several days of replacing the entry-way with ever-stouter doors, Chan decided to take direct action. He hid himself in a back room and waited.

Sometime after midnight, the door crashed open! Chan, awakened with a start, turned on the light, and there in the shop, carrying off several expensive teak boxes, was a huge grizzly with tiny, boyish feet. Chan, ever alert, shouted out, "Stop! Stop, boyfoot bear with teaks of Chan!"